In-depth report: Mark Penn tied to RJ Carroll

Former Clinton campaign strategist Mark Penn is a distant cousin of Scold senior political correspondent RJ Carroll, The National Scold has learned.

Penn, who was ousted from his position as the Clinton campaign's chief strategist and "message mastermind," is Carroll's second cousin, twice removed. Don't ask us how that's possible; it just is, and the pictures prove it.

If you ever wondered where Carroll's bizarre sense of humor and ironclad support for Hillary Clinton came from, wonder no further.

Carroll, who is an accomplished madrigal singer, expressed disappointment about his shared lineage with Penn as well as the latter's impact on Clinton's campaign when Scold reporters cornered him outside the notorious "Tit-for-Tit" bar and club in Morgantown, West Va.

"Mark Penn is a total douchebag," Carroll warbled between sips of a Long Island ice tea. "He totally screwed up Hillary's message. Run on a platform of steady experience in a year where people want change, and not the kind with coins? Insanity, I tell you!"

Penn was given the boot by the Clinton campaign after The Washington Post and other major media outlets ran stories about his efforts to work with the Colombian government to pass a free trade agreement Clinton herself denounced. Penn's controversial decision to continue working as CEO of Burton Marstellar, the globe-spanning public relations firm, despite his position in Clinton's campaign, drew widespread condemnation.

"Mark Penn is also an idiot," Carroll opined. "Even George W. Bush told Karl Rove, who also ran a successful PR firm, to drop all his clients if he was going to work on his presidential campaign. Mark Penn didn't! And Hillary didn't! I can't believe I'm related to this guy!"


When asked if he could possibly have inherited some of the political saavy that made Penn a household name among politicians and the Democratic elite, Carroll scoffed.

"My wit is my own," he said. "Mark Penn wouldn't know a good joke -- or a good opportunity to humanize his candidate -- if it came up and bit him on his fat ass."

At this point, reporters were about to tactfully make a point about Carroll's figure when he anticipated them and cut them off.

"Yes, I know I'm a little heavy myself," Carroll allowed. "But the point is, I wouldn't have needed Hillary to fake a little emotion on her own to take New Hampshire. I would've scripted that."

Neither Penn nor his spokesman returned calls for comment.